if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
