I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
