I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just threw up on my dentist
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
