it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
