It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
