I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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