What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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