i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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