i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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