I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
