I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
