once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
