i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
