You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
