I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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