You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
