There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
