Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
