Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
