he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
