my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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