last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
