peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
