I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
