I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
