I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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