Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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