Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
