alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
