I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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