At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
