I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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