I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
