I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
