So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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