Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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