love makes seman taste better
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
