How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
