I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
