Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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