So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
