mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
