I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
