sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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