Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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