Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
