I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
