there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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