i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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