i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
