I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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