I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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