You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
