Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
