I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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