Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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